Silver and Gold... New Friends and Old
I have sat down to write something on my blog several times this year... and this is the first time I've actually typed something. You know how if you don't spend time with a friend for a while, it's just awkward to get back into a relationship. My blog and I are at that awkward stage, and I just felt like one of us had to break the ice... I guess it's me.
In July we will have been in Cali for 3 years! These 3 years have flown by. I still don't feel like I've found a best friend here. But I've been reaching out to people and feel some hope. I'm not out of the game just yet. God works wonders when you feel like there's nothing to be done. I don't ask for much... Just someone devoted to me and someone I can be devoted to. That holds a different meaning for most people. For me, it's just someone who is a confidant... I can be open and honest with them and they can be open and honest with me. No judgment and no pretense. Someone, who will disagree with me but not hold a grudge and I can do the same. Most of all someone I can trust with my life and someone who would trust me with their life. I have some friends like that right now, don't get me wrong, but it would be nice if I found one in Cali. I'm not completely alone, I get friendship from afar, but since my love language is quality time, it's hard to have that with my friends from Ohio. If I asked any of those women who are devoted to me, to fly to Cali because I needed them, they would do it and I know that without a doubt... and I would do the same. I don't ask for much :-)
So many things have happened this year already and I don't even know where to start... I guess I could start with the most recent. A friend of mine passed away last week. She had a series of strokes and seizures and finally was called home. She was only 35 years old... I guess I should start out with how we became friends.
In the 11th grade I transferred into the neighborhood school, before that I was in a magnet school. It was getting weird, my parents had divorced and my dad was being a stalker and trying to take us out of school just to spite my mom... It was a weird time in my life. Anyway, one of the first people I meet at this new school is Candice M. Jones. She was a friendly face and instantly invited me in to her group and her life. I remember thinking that she was so trusting and I, who did not rust a soul not even my own parents, found it very odd that she was so... giving. Candice introduced me around and from that point on we were kind of inseparable. Whenever we went anywhere people thought we were sisters. I loved her, she was devoted to me and didn't seem to want anything in return, which was new to me. People always wanted something...
We were as thick as thieves for almost 4 years... We went off to different schools and lost touch. I thought about her from time to time but never found out where she was or what she had been up to. The last time I saw her was in 1999... I happened to see her at the mall and we had lunch together, caught up as if though we had not been apart for so long... And that was all. Life moved on and we moved with it.
About 2 weeks ago a friend of mine posted an old picture that we took in homeroom and it made me think of that time. So of course I thought of her and wanted to find out where she was and what she was up to. Where do you go when you want to find someone? Facebook of course. I searched her name... Do you know how many Candice Jones' there are? A LOT! I would love to say that I found her and spoke to her before she passed but I did not. I was on Facebook Monday and a mutual friend of ours posted something about her. I had totally forgotten we had the mutual friend because we knew her at different times in our lives and we never all hung out together. She posted that my friend had passed away last week, Friday and that her memorial was held Monday. Sure enough I looked it up in the Plain Dealer and saw her obituary. My heart stopped and I cried for my friend. I have missed her for all of these years and to be so close and miss her completely... I don't ask why because when the Lord says it's time, it's time. I just wish I had gotten the chance to talk to her one more time. She was a kind soul with a beautiful heart. She introduced me to alternative music... The first band? Crash Test Dummies! LOL! I still remember that conversation. WOW. I really did love her.
I think this is part of the reason it took me so long to post something. It's sad and I don't want to be sad. Not only sad because she's gone but sad because of all the things that come with the memories of her. Where I was in my life at that time, where I was with my family and how dysfunctional we were, feeling lonely like no one in the world would be able to understand what went on behind closed doors. She knew... she never judged me because of my family and she never told a soul. She was my friend and I miss her.
In July we will have been in Cali for 3 years! These 3 years have flown by. I still don't feel like I've found a best friend here. But I've been reaching out to people and feel some hope. I'm not out of the game just yet. God works wonders when you feel like there's nothing to be done. I don't ask for much... Just someone devoted to me and someone I can be devoted to. That holds a different meaning for most people. For me, it's just someone who is a confidant... I can be open and honest with them and they can be open and honest with me. No judgment and no pretense. Someone, who will disagree with me but not hold a grudge and I can do the same. Most of all someone I can trust with my life and someone who would trust me with their life. I have some friends like that right now, don't get me wrong, but it would be nice if I found one in Cali. I'm not completely alone, I get friendship from afar, but since my love language is quality time, it's hard to have that with my friends from Ohio. If I asked any of those women who are devoted to me, to fly to Cali because I needed them, they would do it and I know that without a doubt... and I would do the same. I don't ask for much :-)
So many things have happened this year already and I don't even know where to start... I guess I could start with the most recent. A friend of mine passed away last week. She had a series of strokes and seizures and finally was called home. She was only 35 years old... I guess I should start out with how we became friends.
In the 11th grade I transferred into the neighborhood school, before that I was in a magnet school. It was getting weird, my parents had divorced and my dad was being a stalker and trying to take us out of school just to spite my mom... It was a weird time in my life. Anyway, one of the first people I meet at this new school is Candice M. Jones. She was a friendly face and instantly invited me in to her group and her life. I remember thinking that she was so trusting and I, who did not rust a soul not even my own parents, found it very odd that she was so... giving. Candice introduced me around and from that point on we were kind of inseparable. Whenever we went anywhere people thought we were sisters. I loved her, she was devoted to me and didn't seem to want anything in return, which was new to me. People always wanted something...
We were as thick as thieves for almost 4 years... We went off to different schools and lost touch. I thought about her from time to time but never found out where she was or what she had been up to. The last time I saw her was in 1999... I happened to see her at the mall and we had lunch together, caught up as if though we had not been apart for so long... And that was all. Life moved on and we moved with it.
About 2 weeks ago a friend of mine posted an old picture that we took in homeroom and it made me think of that time. So of course I thought of her and wanted to find out where she was and what she was up to. Where do you go when you want to find someone? Facebook of course. I searched her name... Do you know how many Candice Jones' there are? A LOT! I would love to say that I found her and spoke to her before she passed but I did not. I was on Facebook Monday and a mutual friend of ours posted something about her. I had totally forgotten we had the mutual friend because we knew her at different times in our lives and we never all hung out together. She posted that my friend had passed away last week, Friday and that her memorial was held Monday. Sure enough I looked it up in the Plain Dealer and saw her obituary. My heart stopped and I cried for my friend. I have missed her for all of these years and to be so close and miss her completely... I don't ask why because when the Lord says it's time, it's time. I just wish I had gotten the chance to talk to her one more time. She was a kind soul with a beautiful heart. She introduced me to alternative music... The first band? Crash Test Dummies! LOL! I still remember that conversation. WOW. I really did love her.
I think this is part of the reason it took me so long to post something. It's sad and I don't want to be sad. Not only sad because she's gone but sad because of all the things that come with the memories of her. Where I was in my life at that time, where I was with my family and how dysfunctional we were, feeling lonely like no one in the world would be able to understand what went on behind closed doors. She knew... she never judged me because of my family and she never told a soul. She was my friend and I miss her.
Comments
So sorry to hear of the pain you feel after losing your friend (even months later). I pray that you've found peace and contentment...and that your memories of her will hold you until you see her again. Love you.